Daddy, I didn't cry...

Today I woke up and I didn't cry. Thought about you and got a little sad. But I didn't cry. I really wanna cry, though, because on one hand it just hurts, but on the other hand I can't help to think that it's a release for me to cry.

Truth is, I'm mad. Your death changed me. More sensitive, but more brave.

But you're gone and I'm not always sure if those changes matter now. Another year without you and it sucks. It doesn't get easier. I don't care what they say. You just choose the days where you're gonna think about it or not. Its actually not even that simple either.

But the progress is that today I woke up and I didn't cy.

But, still. I wish Heaven had waited a little longer for you. I used to vision your death and what might happen if you died. Only because of the demons you faced. There was always that fear that it would take you out. And it did.

But I woke up and I didn't cry today. Because I remembered your smile. And I remembered smacking your belly and being tickled at your response. I remembered walking "uptown and backstreet" until the sun set...hand in hand with yours. Just being daddy's girl..

But, still. I miss you so much. And I love you. I never stopped loving you. I just wasn't mature enough to realize you were sick and you were hurting.

I wish there was therapy for everyone. I feel as though it's important. So many lives could be changed if people just had someone to talk to and be real with. Someone they don't have to sugar coar with and tell the ugly truth to. Someone they can let it all out to and not have to keep their guards up.

Behind every action there is a reason it was done. I wish you had the chance to talk about your reason so that you could heal and be the man I so badly wanted you to be. The man I knew you had the potential to be. Your pain defeated you. And there was nothing I could do.

You became the first man to break my heart, but the first man I will have loved forever. Doesn't matter what you did. I understand now. I didn't then, but I do now. You loved me. But you had issues. I get it.

So, here we are on another birthday...without you.

And I woke up and I didn't cry, but it would be nice to see you smile again. To hear you laugh. And to hug your neck. I just miss the way you smell. I just miss the way you talk. I just miss our inside jokes. Life just isn't the same.

I woke up and I didn't cry. But now I'm forced to accept the fact that you were never mine to begin with. God let me borrow you. Truth is, none of us really belong to each other. We are all just borrowed.

For the time we had together, I'm thankful. You will always be the apple of my eye. And I will always love you forever.

I woke up and I didn't cry today. But I can't promise it will be like that tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day after. Because I miss you. And I need you here. I wish you were here.

Sleep peacefully, daddy and Happy Birthday! Everything is gonna be alright.

The sun shined today. And I didn't cry. Thanks.