Choose Me.

Originally written March 26, 2018.

Officially Published January 30, 2020.

I can't be a warden of your destiny and pursue my own. I have to choose me and pray for you.

Sometimes I think I'm too emotional and then other times I feel like I shouldn't have to change who I am or how I feel to make others comfortable. Then I think well maybe its not so much of me stopping my emotions to make others comfortable but more so asking God to help me manage my emotions for my own comfort.

"If you don't live a life of choosing; you live a life of excusing" I wish I could remember who said this, but it's one of the realest quotes I've ever read.

Unfortunately, I've allowed myself to be victimized into a life of excusing. For way too long. When I should have said, "no"; I found an excuse to the behavior just to keep from being alone. It didn't feel good, but for some reason the mere thought of their absence seemed to have hurt me more. And so I stayed. I let them stay. And I dealt with the consequences... of not choosing me.

Why is so hard for me to walk away from people?

1. I love them and I care about them.

2. I want them to love and care about me just as much, maybe even more.

I've always been so concerned about taking care of the hearts of those I love. That is so important to me - to nurture the hearts that I love. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten that in return. I wonder how it must feel to have your heart taken care of by the people you love.

Yet I stay. I let them stay. And I deal with the consequences of not choosing me.

I don't want to deal with the hurt and pain, but when I get the option to leave, my fear is they will let me and not fight for me. And what I realized is the deeper issue is that I've always felt that no one fought for me.

The truth is that I don't want to walk away, I just want you to love me the way that I want you to love me. The way that I love you. But I know that I have no control over that. The truth is none of us want to walk away; we just want them to get it right, but the harder truth is that you have to accept that they may or may NOT get it right and so YOU have to walk away. No matter how much you care.

Potential cannot heal your soul. History cannot heal your heartache. I learned a long time ago that we all present ourselves as canvases to others. Our character, our habits, who we are; paints the portrait of what and how we really are. I have to accept the portrait that you painted for me. I cannot add anything to it because it is your canvas. No matter how much I want to add my art on your canvas so that it benefits me; I cannot do it. I must accept the portrait you have painted of yourself when it pertains to my relationship with you.

I have to be okay with you not choosing me no matter how much I love you.

I've heard many times that you teach people how to treat you, but Iyanla Vanzant says other wise. She says you get to see how people treat you and you accept it and stay or you don't accept it and choose to leave, but you don't get to tell them how to treat you. That sucks.

My hard reality is that I get upset with myself because I know that I deserve better, but I don't know how to accept it. The truth is that I don't know how to choose me. I have always waited for someone else to choose me and when they didn't, I was just left hurt trying to put my emotional broken pieces back together and waiting on the next move; trying to figure out what's next. All because I didn't choose me.

How do I choose me?

Every now and again, I have to remind myself to stop fighting for people's want or need of me. Those that want me in their lives will show it without me having to compromise who I am for their attention. I have to keep reminding myself that I get to choose what and who I want to deal with.

I guess the only way you learn how to choose yourself is to believe what God says about you. I've searched countless times for consistency from those in my life. I've always prayed to God about having it from them. It's taken me all these years to realize that regardless of the circumstances, situation, or people; the only true, consistent, and promised thing in this life is God...His love. His hand.

I can't learn how to choose me until I learn how to choose God. Choose Him above them, above things, even above myself.

Everything that I really need is in God. He doesn't leave. People get sick of us; no matter how much they say they love us. God doesn't even CONSIDER leaving us. He doesn't think twice about it. He is the most consistent sure thing our life.

We fall in and out of love and like with one another. But at no point does His mind change. Whether He's proud or angry. His anger lasts only for a moment; His love stays the same.

God, forgive me for the times that I didn't choose You and forgive me for the countless times I didn't choose me after You repeatedly showed me who I really was and what I deserved.

Forgive me for the times I left You for the people who always seem to leave me. Forgive me for not considering YOU only to consider the people who don't consider me.

Forgive me for not realizing that everything I've prayed about having within people; was always right within You the whole time.

Here's to choosing God and allowing Him to teach me how to choose me.