Open The Eyes of My Heart.

Originally written Jan 3, 2017.

Officially Published January 30, 2020.

I disconnected myself completely from all things for a few days to really listen & receive. In these few days, I asked God to reveal whatever He felt I needed to see at the time no matter how painful it would be for me. And that is what He has done. Not only about those within my circle, but more so about myself. It's easy to accept what's being revealed to you about others, but the tough pill to swallow is when you have to face the man in the mirror. You can't point fingers at anyone else except that man. The only reflection of life there is, is you and you are forced to see every scar, every tear, every imperfection, every thing about your being and you have to accept that it is there before you can make any changes to what you see. That is what I wanted first from God; to reveal it to me in raw form so that I would have no choice, but to accept it. And that is what he did.

I don't have much to say besides that in these few days I've tapped into something deeper than what I would usually normalize as a "high moment". I've tapped into something that there is no coming back from. Honestly and truly, just a few weeks ago I thought I had it all figured out. "All" meaning the direction of my life and those who are attached to me. I really did. I think I almost, foolishly, tried to outsmart God. What was I thinking? I have no clue. But it slapped me in the face. I've had no choice, but to truly humble myself and accept what I have always known: I CANNOT DO THIS WITHOUT HIM. I cannot do life without God. That has always been my issue, though. Ignoring what I really feel and what I really know because facing my reality hurts. It makes me sad. The other issue is that, again, until I face my current reality I will never be able to get beyond that point in my life so God can bring me to something better, brighter, something that allows me to really feel free.

My little brother called me about someone hurting his feelings. He cried and my heart embraced his pain. I could feel what he felt because I had been there many times before. Then I offered him advice and in the midst of sharing what I felt he needed to do; something inside me clicked. And it told me, "take your own advice". Wow. Literally every word that I was sharing with him was something that I realized I had not been able to follow through with pertaining to my own situation. And then yet again, there I realized God was yet still revealing harsh realities to me. It was what I had asked Him to do.

I've spent enough time inhaling the vibes in this life that would wish to see me stuck. I have literally felt every emotion from those surrounding me - good and bad. Because I am one who feels deep within; everything I can feel til' the point it either drains or strengthens me. I realize I truly cannot do any more of that in this life without the Higher Power. The first thing I had to do was ask for God's forgiveness. How dare I for one second think that I could do any of this without Him? How dare I take advantage yet again of His grace? Foolish of me.

Yet I am still very grateful that He sees beyond my unruly actions and He loves me enough to let me try life again, but only following His lead this time around. I prayed that God would open my eyes a little more so that I may see the destination of the seed of life that He has already planted for me. I prayed that God would open my ears to discern what's eternal and what's only for a moment. I prayed that He would open my heart to accept His love for me is unmatched and He would never wish to see me fail nor would He lead me to failure.Today I give myself the "okay" to release the toxic energies in my life. The draining energies and attitudes. The inconsistent circumstances and behaviors of those who claim to love me. I release it all and I ask God to open my ears, my eyes, and my heart. I only want to go where He would have me to be and I release anything that would try to come and challenge that. I acknowledge that there are voids that only He can fill and until we realize that and allow Him to take up those empty God spaces, we will forever long for something deeper that ultimately could never fill us and make us feel whole.

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. I want to see You.