What Does God Think?

Is beauty really only skin deep? What does that really mean? Is beauty really only in the eye of the beholder? Which of these beholders matter, then?

These are questions I have had to ask myself for sometime now. A very long time to be real. We live in a world where everything is so materialistic and superficial. The only thing that matters is what we look like on the outside. I can't tell you the amount of times that I have spent gazing at Instagram models, social media bodies, bodies on TV - wishing that I could look like them. Or how many Google searches I have done on the different types of weight loss surgeries I hoped to one day be able to afford, or even the clothes that I wanted, but too shameful to get because my perception of how a body should look in that particular outfit didn't match the reality of how I seen my body. The amount of times that I have said to myself, "If only I had that stomach...that butt...those boobs...that shape" is more than anybody can count.

Why wasn't I satisfied with the way that I looked?

The amount of times that I have started and stopped weight loss regimens, gym memberships, personal trainers, strict diet plans, water only rules, and more is crazy! Yet, nothing put me where I wanted to be and it is not because I didn't want it bad enough, but because I didn't realize that until I loved me right where I was, I would never be able to stick to any goal or plan that I had given myself to lose weight or in my mind, "to look good". Whats crazy is that I hadn't realized just how low my self-esteem had become until I begin downloading Photoshop apps on my phone to edit my full body pics. The self hate and criticism slowly went from my body to my face to my natural hair to every simple thing about my being. I have learned that nobody can tear and pick you apart the way that you can.

Soon, I chose to not leave the house without wearing makeup, not taking pictures without wearing it, not even wanting to be on Facetime with friends without it. I kept thinking to myself, "I know I would be in a relationship right now if I was this shape or if I was this pretty." I literally hated the physical me without realizing it. It didn't matter how many people told me that I was beautiful or how much my best friend reminded me every day (and believe me - she did it every day) that I was perfect the way that I was. All that mattered was that I didn't believe it. And crazy enough, I got to a place where I was okay with not believing it because I settled for the fact that I would start wearing colors that made me appear to be smaller. I would always wear makeup. And I would just wait until I gathered enough money to get weight loss surgery. I settled for that because I was sure I wouldn't stick to any weight loss plans; yet, I was so tired of getting depressed when shopping with friends because my "body didn't look right" or look the same in the things that they were trying on and buying. I got tired of taking pictures thinking I looked one way, only to review it and be disgusted by how it actually looked. I really hated myself and not once did I ever stop to think and ask myself, "What does God think about me?"

That thought never crossed my mind. I never really thought that He cared about something like that. I know that probably sounds crazy, but because God was already working on other things in my life that I felt was much more important, I felt that something like my self-esteem or the way I viewed myself was something so super small to Him. Why would He care about something so simple?

But, then, why wouldn't He care?

One day, I listened to Kierra Sheard's song entitled "Flaws" and the lyrics instantly pierced my heart. It spoke what I felt. "You think I'm everything when I think I'm nothing, when I hate myself; You still love me". I saw myself covered in nothing, but flaws yet the whole time God saw me as a beautiful being. In fact, nothing about my physical being was a flaw to Him. I know you're probably thinking, "so that's it? Just like that?". No. Its actually not it. I listened to the song, but I still didn't believe it instantly. It took thousands of repeats of the song, consistent tears listening to it, and consistently journaling about how much I didn't like me while really wanting to love me. And - STILL - I didn't think to talk to God about it. After being tired of my best friend trying to force the belief that I was beautiful in my head, I figured at some point I have to do something to make myself believe it. I'm never going to overcome this if I don't at least try to do so. I was tired of being chained to "what if" and "if only" ideas about my body and who I was. There is no freedom in that and I wanted to be free at least in that area of my life.

So, the first thing I had to learn was to love myself the way that I am. I was so determined to love some part of me even if it wouldn't be all of me instantly. I knew I had to start somewhere so I started with my face. I committed to no longer wearing makeup until I felt just as beautiful without it the way that I did with it and I spoke positive things about my face every day. Now, if makeup is your thing then go for it! Because its still my thing! But I believe makeup should be a choice, not a requirement. When I first heard about Alicia Keys starting her #NoMakeupMovement, I thought she was crazy. Like who does that? Especially a celebrity, but now I understand. Maybe she struggled with the same issues that I struggled with or maybe she just wanted others to love themselves the way that she loved herself without enhancements in the form of Mac, Sephora, or anything else being a requirement. Whatever the reason, I'm glad she decided to embark upon this journey to being free in herself and loving all of her. Because it gave me the "want" to do the same.

I started my #NoMakeupMovement a couple months before my birthday. Time passed and I still hadn't really believed anything differently about myself, but I would still try. And so I did. Any day that I had to leave the house, I was tempted to put on makeup, but I didn't. The only thing I realized was that not wearing makeup saved me a lot of time when getting dressed. My birthday week came and I still didn't love me (my face) the way I wanted to. I was like well whatever. But...I didn't hate me as much as I once did either. I wasn't all the way there, but I could feel the transition beginning in my mind. I kept speaking positivity whether I believed it or not, pointing out the little things about me that was "kinda cute". Finally, my birthday came and I was about to do my makeup for the day, but I couldn't. Like, y'all I couldn't! I actually didn't want to. I don't know what clicked, but I really was okay with not wearing makeup on my birthday knowing that I would be out and around people all day taking multiple pictures and a lot of other things. I didn't care though. Did I love my face that quick? All I remember thinking while looking in the mirror was, "Girl you don't need any makeup". In that moment, I didn't feel ugly. So I didn't wear any makeup and I was okay.

The next day, a friend called basically with a word from God (If you're churchy like me then you know what I mean LOL - a message from God) telling me that God knew how I felt about myself, but He believed the total opposite. This friend told me that God wanted me to know that He would help me to feel better about myself this year and that I wasn't overweight or any of the negative labels that I had given myself. This friend knew nothing about the way I viewed myself so I knew this was really God speaking through him. I instantly thought back to my birthday and how I just woke up not wanting to wear makeup all of a sudden. Was that God showing me that it was just the beginning of Him helping me feel better about myself? I know this sounds so spooky, too instant, and probably unrealistic, but this is how it really happened. However, I realize that if I didn't have God in my life then I never would have gotten to this place. It blew my mind that God even cared enough to send a word like that through my friend.

It took me a long time to realize and actually believe that God cares about the things that we care about, but this proved to me that He does. He actually does feel what we feel. (Psalm 139:17; Psalm 56:8) Why wouldn't He notice the way that I tore myself apart or beat myself down? This caring and concerned and loving God that we always hear about. Why wouldn't He care about the way I felt about myself? The answer is that He did and He does.

It never once crossed my mind to pray to God about the way I felt about myself. Because again, why would He care about something like that? He has much bigger things to be taking care of - right? Wrong! We don't serve a God that is nonchalant about even the intimate, most personal and deep things that concern us. The amazing thing is that though I never prayed to Him about the way I felt about myself, He saw what I journaled about it and took it up as prayers. I did not verbally speak it, but I wrote it and that was enough for Him. Because He knew that was all that I believed I could do. He met me where I was. And He can do the same for you. I wanted this blog to be super deep, but I would have been trying to be someone else and after all, isn't that what I'm trying to STOP doing? (LOL!) After years of me damaging my mentality and idolizing unachievable images of what beauty should look like; God took way less time to begin reversing all the damage that I had done.

So, the first thing I'm going to challenge you to do is to pray to God about how you feel about yourself. If you are like me, then you believe that there are some things that are way too small for God to be concerned about. But to God, if you think its small to you yet it impacts the way you live your life then its big to Him. And if it was so small to us then why do we allow it to take control of us the way that it does? Why does it bother us as much as it does if its so small? That's because it's not. One of the best things someone could have ever told me was to stop living my life as though I am not a big deal. That doesn't mean to be a big deal to the world, but what it means is to believe and know that you are a big deal to God. All of us are big deals to God. He cares so much.

The next challenge is simple. Just don't quit. It make take you finding that empowering song and repeatedly listening to it, or it may take people shoving compliments in your face, it may take you forcing compliments everyday while staring in a mirror, or it may take you just taking your concerns and feelings to God for you to really start believing and learning that you are beautiful right where you are and as you are. Whatever it takes, do it and don't quit until you get it! Beauty is skin deep because it starts from the inside. If the inside of a person (their heart, their character, their attitude) isn't as beautiful as the outside then you really don't understand true beauty. And the beholders that really matter is God and yourself. If you don't believe it - then what anyone else thinks really doesn't matter. It holds no weight.

The way I view my body is still a work in progress and I wanted to wait until I was completely comfortable with all of me before I published this blog, but I wanted to be truthful and honest with myself and with you that this is all a process. For some, the process comes quickly and easy and for others its hard and slow. Yet, I finally believe that God is walking and working with me (and you!) on this journey to loving all of me the way that He does.

I love you and I mean it!

Blessings & Grace!

Stay in the race!