Between Me and You

Originally written March 2, 2018.

Officially Published January 30, 2020

As I was praying to God about what to write for my next blog, I begin thinking about the number of times I questioned my purpose and my gifts - this one in particular. Here I am, now, praying to God about what to write when just last year I didn't think I had anything left to say. I was sure that I would just settle for writing in my diary and finding a teaching job, somewhere. There have been so many times that I knew I had a purpose, but just couldn't quite figure out EXACTLY what it was that God wanted from me. Then there have been plenty other times that I felt like there was just something between me and God that kept us from reaching each other.

He felt distant. I felt distant. There was a disconnect. I knew He was there, but there was still a disconnect and it's like I couldn't place my hand on exactly what it was. Yeah...it sucks.

A while ago, I shared a dream that I had been having with a friend. At the same time, she was having a dilemma about praying to God and being frustrated with prayer. She was frustrated because she could not really gather what to say to this God that already knew everything about her. She wanted to make sure her prayers were worth God's time and hers - basically. She asked me, "If I already knew everything about that dream, would you have still told me about it?" "Yes." I replied. "Because I would have wanted to know what did you think about it."

So, I ask myself...Is that not why we pray to God? At least that is part of the reason. Yes, He already knows everything that's happening in our lives, but it's always nice to know what He thinks about it.

I gave my friend that response, but I still understood all too well where she was coming from. There were times that I even felt too inadequate to pray to God. Like, what do I say? Is He really hearing me? Personally speaking, when I didn't feel like I was in good grace with God, it was hard for me to pray to Him about anything. What is even good grace with God?! Chile...I don't even know, but you see how the enemy makes us think! I was condemning myself without even realizing it! Which made me waste a lot of time that I could have been giving to God to figure out why He had me on this earth. Surely, He didn't just create me to take up space. There had to have been something greater and I wanted it. I just couldn't figure out what it was that was keeping me from getting it. I started to feel stuck. Everything was the same: Church, conversations, work, my emotions, my money, and everything else. I was dissatisfied, clueless, and stuck. And the thing is that I stayed stuck until I was tired of being in that place. I mean really tired. When you're really tired of something, you do something different and so that's what I had to do. I had to be fed up with being comfortable in what I don't know and what I wanted opposed to what God wanted for me. I had to realize and accept that what I wanted for my life couldn't be better than what He wanted for me because He loves and cares for me just that much. He loves me more than I love myself. Crazy, but true. Cliche', but real.

What makes you feel like you can't go to God about the things happening in your life? You want to know your purpose, but too afraid to ask God what it is? You feel the disconnect, but don't feel like you're worthy of asking Him why that is?

No more distractions. No more excuses. You have to want God and all that He wants for your life. The only way to get any of that is to give all of yourself to Him. I need to feel God with me at all times. I need to feel covered. I don't like the distance. I don't like the disconnect so I made it my priority to stay connected with Him. I have to talk to Him about everything - big or small. I have to know that He is pleased with me. I have to know what He wants me to do or stop doing. I have to know that I'm making Him smile. I have to know that He has my back.

God's word tells us to not lean on our own understanding, but to seek Him for the answers (Proverbs 3:5-6). If there is any area in our lives that we are lacking wisdom and/or unsure about; we can simply ask God for the answers (James 1:5/Psalm 32:8). Do you really think God would want you in the dark about the life that He has created for you to live? (Jeremiah 33:3) God literally broke me down last year in so many ways; yet, somehow I feel stronger than ever before. I know now that He did it only to create something and someone different. I couldn't be the same person I was last year in order to experience all God has for me in years to come. When God breaks you, He doesn't break you to hurt you or to damage you. He breaks you to create something new, something better. We point fingers at everybody around us, but when its all done we have to bring the finger right back to ourselves. What is that you've allowed the enemy to make you believe about God? What have you accepted from him about your life?

I realize now, God, that the only person between me and you...is me.

Blessings & Grace!

Stay in the race!