A Little More Grace

This is an open blog post for all to see, but honestly I'm truly writing this one especially for me. It's like one of those "thinking out loud" moments. So excuse the errors you may see and some of it might not even make sense. This is just a writing of relief type blog for me so I'm just gonna write until it starts making sense. I just need to get out what is in my heart at the moment.

At first, I contemplated long and hard about whether I would post it or not. I don't want anyone to take anything the wrong way, but I also don't ever want to give the impression that I have it all together because I absolutely do not. No matter how much my blogs will speak to you, I still am truly a work in progress. Truly. With that being said, here we go.

For the past year (or more), I have been greatly struggling and seems like wrestling with God for many reasons. One being, I believe that there is something beyond me that He is calling for me to do, but because it just feels like a struggle for me to do it; it makes me question how certain He is about needing me for the job. I love God, but I honestly feel sometimes that He forgets about me. I've been praying to Him about how much I love Him and questioning why won't He make the process a little easier for me. That's probably naive, but it's real. We all have those things in our lives that we know we should be doing and honestly we want to do it, but then our circumstances around us makes us feel like it's impossible to do. I was listening to a testimony recently and by the end of it, what I got was that God completely took away their desire to want to do anything that was outside of His will. I sat and thought, "hmm just like that? It's that easy huh?" And then I cried. I cried because I want it to be that way for me. But it's not.

Why does it seem like God would make the way so easy for that person, but not for me? Surely, there must be something that He sees in me that I don't see.

But not being able to see it makes me feel so disconnected from Him. (Job 2:38-9) I feel that I'm letting Him down way too much and He's disappointed. That breaks my heart - my soul. Because I love God so much and the last thing I want to do is hurt Him. But that's why it's so difficult to not just get it the way I should because I feel like I've abused His grace one too many times. Does God's grace run out? Does He get tired of our broken promises?

All I've been asking is that He somehow show me that He's sure He has specifically chosen me. That He truly does love me no matter what and that He hasn't left me. Now, I know none of us are really worthy of God's love and grace, but as much as I preach on this blog about letting go of your past; that's another struggle for me. Truth is, I am so flawed and have done so many messed up things that I don't feel worthy of His love, forgiveness, or compassion. We have all been here at some point, haven't we? With millions of questions to follow. Could I really do all that I have done and still be loved unconditionally by this great big merciful God? You mean to tell me that there is someone who loves me THAT much? One of my favorite songs carry these lyrics:

"I see shattered. You see whole. I see broken. You see beautiful. ... There's nothing too dirty that You can't make worthy. You wash me in mercy. I am clean. ... Washed in the blood of Your sacrifice. Your blood flowed red and made me white. My dirty rags are purified. I am clean."

What if God really does love us THAT much? That even what we see as the dirtiest parts of us, He sees something He can make a beautiful masterpiece from? Because the truth is that all of us have something on the inside of us that is calling out for His grace. And no, none of us are worthy, but that is why there is Grace.

Recently, I went to hear Pastor Tammy preach at a conference. I went to the service just to see her, but deep inside there was something dark and empty in my soul that I had been crying for God to brighten and fill for a long time now. Honestly, I wanted to stretch out at the altar and just cry because I was so tired of leaving church feeling the same way. And I felt like tonight would be no different. But I wanted it to be different. I desperately needed it to be different. I sat there weeping with so many thoughts and questions and was honestly growing weary and more frustrated as I thought about the way I've been feeling the past year. I sat there saying aloud, "God are you still here?!"

I've always heard that as many times as I need to run to the alter - DO IT. I don't care if people get sick of you and start saying "every Sunday he/she at the altar!" Well if that's what it takes for you then DO IT. Because at the end of the day it's about God revealing Himself to you so that your soul gets the healing and wholeness that God intended for it to have! That's what I wanted - for God to reveal Himself to me. A lot of us know church, but it takes a revelation to really know Jesus.

That night Pastor Bennett said something that caught my ear, "I'm already blessed and the enemy cannot reverse it." Two days later, I heard, "no matter what the enemy does, he cannot take you of God's hands." It was like wow and it made me think. What if we could see ourselves the way God sees us? If only we could think like He thinks and feel like He feels. What if at some point, we stop to think that maybe we already have what it takes to stop wrestling with what we know He's called us to do? Either we're gonna trust His plans or we aren't gonna trust it. But what good comes from not trusting? What if we recognized the enemy's tactics to make us feel isolated? And his schemes to defeat the plan God has for us? What if we shut down those thoughts that we'll never get it right? And really believed that none of us are broken beyond repair? What if we understood that the happiness and wholeness we long for is really only found in the God that we sometimes lose faith in? What if we made the decision to stretch that faith a little further than the last time? What if we all decided to take our truths to God and allow Him to reveal to us why our destiny is so much greater than anything in our past?

I think I realize the best thing I could do is just be honest with God. He knows my heart and He knows how much I love Him, but if I am not honest with Him then how can He use what I think is just a totally unforgivable sin and turn it into something so useful and powerful? God wants you to be sure that even when it seems like He's not there, He is. His love for us is truly unconditional. He hasn't forgotten about you - period. And really and truly, God can use the dirtiest rags that we have and cleanse them so powerfully that we won't be able to even recognize ourselves. God sees the good in everything. Our issues are only tiny fragments of who we are. We all have something in us that calls out for grace. He can use the streetwalker to prophesy the way He can use the minister in the church. You are never too bad that God will turn and walk away from you. Unconditional means there are no restrictions. Nothing can stop God's love for you. I want to cry at the thought that I cannot express it enough.

If you're like me, there will be times where you get discouraged and God will seem quiet, but those are the times you work your faith. And you make the decision to be honest with God. Tis' so sweet to trust in Jesus, but sometimes we all need a little more Grace just to trust Him more.

- Keyona!