Even Me, Lord.

If you're following my blog, you know that I often state that I try to be honest with myself, with God, and with you. I have not written in months now because truthfully I go back and forth from having no desire to write or having the desire to write, but nothing to write. It gets hard and more than that, it gets frustrating.

In just a few short months, my life has changed drastically and I swear it feels like I'm on a roller coaster. At this very moment, I'm ready for the ride to end. I've never been so sick of a journey the way that I am right now with life, yet I have been trying to do all that I can to keep pushing. I often end my blogs with, "Blessings and Grace. Stay in the race." That is where I am - trying to stay in the race with all the Grace that I can stand.

So to update you all since I've been missing for six months now: Where exactly am I? Well as you keep reading, you will see that my mind is all over the place and some of this may even contradict itself.

I'm in an unusual place yet things seem a bit familiar. I'm trying not to resort to isolation yet it feels that I am alone. I don't want to claim trust issues, yet I am having trouble releasing certain parts of me into people. I pray to God continuously yet I am having trouble believing that He is hearing me. I look for an audible voice from God, yet I know that is not the only way He can or will speak to me. And in the end, that frustrates me even more because I look for clear visible signs of what to do next in my life, but I don't always get those clear visible answers.

I love God and I believe that He has uniquely designed a path for me to walk. The problem is that I don't trust myself enough to not mess it up. Sometimes, I feel that I give God false hope. False hope that makes Him proud of me for a moment for finally "getting it right", but then I mess up again. But how could we give God false hope when He created us therefore He knows exactly how we are and what we will do.

Every effort I make to walk completely straight on this uniquely designed path is followed by fear of letting God down. Fear of disappointing Him, fear of losing Him. I love God so much and I feel as though we have been through so much together and I know that He loves me, but I'm still afraid that I'm not strong enough to not hurt Him again. And with every test, I beg that He makes it a little easier for me because I'm afraid of failing Him again. I feel stuck. I don't like being in a place where I can't feel God. I feel out of place. My insecurities get the best of me and even if God were to send me an answer, I'm afraid that those insecurities of mine will mess it up; that it will make me feel too unworthy of redemption and help.

Does His love run out for me? What about His Grace and forgiveness?

Today, as I walked on my porch, there was this yellow butterfly. I smiled because it flew around and I instantly thought it was going to leave because I was approaching it too closely, but it came right back and landed in front of me. I got closer and it flew around some more then it came right back and landed in front of me yet again. If you know me then you know yellow is my favorite color because of all it represents and that I love butterflies as well. Yellow is sunshine, hope, and happiness. Butterflies are a symbol of resurrection, endurance, change, hope, and life.

The truth is, I'm ending this blog today without an answer to any of my problems or yours. Maybe that is because I'm not supposed to have the answer. We are not supposed to have the answer. The truth is, those of us who believe, are walking this journey solely off faith and prayers. We believe in a Higher Power that forces us to trust Him. And as frustrating as that gets for me, it has been the only thing to work for me. I don't know the answer and I can't always trace where God is, yet I try my best to just trust Him.

Despite what I feel, I am trying my best to trust that some how, some way, God has a plan for me that will help me to overcome every ill thing that I'm feeling right now. And at this point, even a yellow butterfly flying around my porch is enough to keep me pushing.

My prayer now and forever is that He doesn't forget about me. I can't do this on my own. No matter how irritated I get with God, I can't do it on my own and I need Him. All of this, one day, will make so much sense and so I guess I have to challenge myself that no matter how hard it gets, to keep holding on. I pray that even me, Dear God, as unworthy as I am, you will give even me a little consolation in my most frustrating times.

So I challenge you even as I challenge myself to hang on. I challenge you to be patient and trust that God has a plan for everything you are feeling right now so that it will work out for your good. I challenge you to wait and allow God to renew your strength. I don't promise you that waiting will not be frustrating and irritating and you may even feel annoyed and upset with God at times. Yet, I challenge you to trust that He knows exactly how you feel and that is His way of forcing you to trust Him even more. Because no other way has or will work than to trust God. We cannot live without God and if we try to, we are only abandoning the purpose for which He created us.

I challenge you, as I challenge myself, that everything God has for you will be given to you in His divine timing. This means the right timing because if He gives it to us too soon, we may not be ready for it and we may just mess it up. So we must trust that He loves us enough to know what we can handle and when we can handle it. We have to trust that He loves us too much to allow us to mess up those God-ordained blessings that only He could give us.

Lord I hear of showers of blessings

Thou art scattering full and free Showers the thirsty souls refreshing Let some drops now fall on me

Even me, even me. Let some drops now fall on me

Pass me not oh gentle Savior Sinful though my heart may be; I am longing for Your favor Whilst thou art blessing Come on and bless me

Even me, even me. Come on and bless me.

While the streams of life are springing, Blessing others, oh Lord, even me, bless even me.