Refilling my Empty Cup...

I haven't written a blog since January. Not only have I not written a blog, but I haven't been writing at all; not in my journal, not in my notepad, nothing. I've felt like my words were taken from me. As though someone literally stole every single feeling that I could ever put into words. I felt like I had nothing to say. As though I was trying to pour out words from a cup that was empty. It's not a good feeling to feel up one moment and down the next, but that is the consequence I have had to face for various reasons for quite some time now. Many of those reasons I could control. Some I could not.

Lately, I've felt like I'm just existing and not living. As though I'm on this earth just allowing time to pass and awaiting for my time here to be over. But then I start thinking, God has yet to call me home and then I question why. I know it has to be a reason behind it. I think He sees something in me that I don't even see in myself. No, I know He sees something in me that I don't see in myself. I feel like that little empty cup that God has to continuously refill. And in my cup, I'm yearning to see a reflection of what God sees. He believes in me so what makes it so hard for me to believe in myself? He sees my potential. He knows my heart. Yet seeing pass what I feel right now has always been a task difficult to complete. And my cup seems to remain empty. It's time to be refilled.

No matter how positive you try to be about a hurtful situation; the reality of it doesn't hurt any less. Nor does the reality of it get any easier to accept, but when you're forced to face reality you're left with only two options: accept it and move on or don't accept it and be miserable. So what do I choose?

As easy as it may seem that I would choose to accept it and move on; the fact of the matter is that whether we choose to accept it or not, we lay our hearts on the line with the risk of it being broken and our feelings are at risk of being hurt. We just have to take a stand and realize why those risks can be worth it. I just need a refilling. My cup has been empty for quite some time now.

So, from this day forward, I choose to take back the happiness that I've allowed others to mishandle for quite some time now. I stand confident in knowing I have never tried to be less than what someone has ever needed me to be for them, but I'm also realizing that I have to let go of the need to be needed. I cannot pour from an empty cup. If we give so much of ourselves to others and leave nothing for ourselves, then what good are we really? It's time that those of us who put so much effort in being needed by others, use that same effort to be who we need to be for ourselves!

Its not always easy, but I realize that sometimes you just have to take that slap in the face and keep it moving. Because everyday is a lesson and a blessing. And life is full of teachable moments. There will be moments your cup will be empty, but you cannot live a life trying to pour out what's not really there. In all things, I will give thanks. No matter what. I'll shed my tears and allow them to cleanse me of the things that I no longer want to be associated as or with. My tears will be like fire; burning those unwanted vessels within me and releasing me of anything that has ever tried to hinder me. My tears will renew me. They will revive me. I will allow them to fill up in my small empty cup and be little reminders of why I must go all the way.

When I leave this world, I don't want to carry any regrets along with me. I don't know how much longer I have left so while I'm still here, all I want to do is live this life and actually enjoy it. I don't want to just exist because that's not enough. I can't continue to just go through the motions and await death. But when my time comes, I want to leave this world knowing I fulfilled my purpose. I want to see what God sees in me. I want to see pass what I feel in this moment...at this time. With a clear heart and mind, I will learn to accept and be okay with what I can't control and change even at the risk of a broken heart because the lesson I learn from it will be worth every fallen tear, every disappointment, every heart ache, and every time I've ever let my cup get empty. I will have faith and be patient in what I can control and change. And I will know in the end that I did my best and gave my all in everything that I have ever been blessed to say, have, do, or be.

Life is so short and I want my worries to be few. No matter how I feel, I will keep a smile on my face and be grateful that I have made it this far. That's all that matters in the end. Fill my empty cup, Lord. Refill it over and over again.

Blessings & Grace!

- Keyona